Why I ask why: a journey of meaning and acceptance
Amongst the abundance of knowing and understanding what, who, when, where, why, how,... Why is definitely my favourite Wh.
Thinking back to my childhood, understanding the why had always helped me remember things throughout school years: why is it this way and not another way? why would this particular formula help me solve this particular problem? why should I do this thing adults tell me to do? why should I not do this other thing? why should I spend my time on this and not something else?
When I allow myself to ask and find answers to the why questions, things make sense, I learn, I remember what I learned for years to come, and can explain my reasoning when asked. This had contributed significantly to my academic performance and become such a useful habit which continued when I went to university and into my professional career. I have not regretted asking these questions and am only thankful towards myself every time I get to enjoy the fruits of it. I think it's fair to say asking why had led mankind to numerous scientific breakthroughs and assisted us in fixing our own mess (when we want to). It really is not a small thing to ask.
And, like all things, it comes with its challenges. When asking why led me to see dangers others do not see, I've been perceived as too 'thorough', an overthinker, a worrier of 'unimportant' things, a head-in-the-cloud soul, and 'sensitive'. I have been respected by colleauges, but also have disagreed with people of higher positions, felt ignored, struggled with frustration, stress, burnout, and depression.
I do not disagree with them entirely, however. Those perceptions are not baseless. They helped me learn to moderate myself according to context and to better manage frustration, tending to my emotional needs. Asking why was not the problem. I just needed to better look after myself. Over time, I learned to both appreciate and prune myself. It's not easy, but it is important learning and growth for me, particularly at this age.
And so as I continue to ask why again and again, I learn to ask it better and wouldn't change this about myself. Knowing and understanding why as a young-ish adult now help me find meaning in what I do, in making sense of life and the past, and in exploring directions for the future.
Indeed, there are many whys for which I will never find the answers, such as why did they do that? why did they say that? or why was I born? And that's the beauty of it. Inevitably, I have to face uncertainty and never-knowing-whys. Sometimes this brings up discomfort. Other times it just feels like the universe is a cheeky place.
Why is there grass? I don't know. Grass is nice.
So the journey of acceptance is to return to myself, asking not them, but myself instead: why do I think they did or say that? why do I think I was born?
And so, asking why is a deeply personal activity. It pulls me out of myself to consider others and the alternatives, and ultimately brings me back to myself right where I am. It is less a Q&A activity and more a movement through life, a path that starts with world exploration and ends with self-discovery. And, to me, it is a way of life.
Many people may know me, see what I do and hear what I say, but only those who understand why I do what I do and why I say what I say are those who truly know me. They are ones closest to me and know me most intimately. And that's the kind of closeness and intimacy I want with Life, so I keep asking it, why?